Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Its not a good day.It has nv been a good day.I seen my last post was sth unhappy.Sad for myself , this is gonna be another unhappy post too.
First thing first.Why the hell is this happening to me.Why does it have to be me! I want a happy family.I really do.A family which cares about everything and not just money talks.WTF do i even call this god forsaken place home?! This is not home.Its juz my resting nest.I come to this nest...i have someone to wash my clothes and make my bed.Thats all i can rmb feeling about this place. Hey wth...Which god damned 'mother', That is if u can even call her 'mother' , will tell her own damned son 'dun study not my prob'.I mean wth...SHE...a 'mother'...will rather lessen her burden by asking her son to work den to let him study??? WTF!?!?! I know...some u assholes out there might be thinking ''hey its only right.a son shld support his mum''.Well FUCK U to all those who are thinking tad way becos u noe nth about me.If she does not has the means to put me through study.FINE..i will accept it tad way.BUT HELL! SHE DOES! and where does all her money goes.GOD KNOWS! If i am brought up single handedly...fine...i understand.BUT HELL! can someone tell me which of my parents is dead??? GOD DAMNED THIS PLACE!! Its pushing me to a corner...hell i can call anyone 'mum' as long as she can provide me $300/mth.That is all there is to it.And $300/mth from her....its sth which i deserve (to all those who dunno anything about me.keep ur god damned mouth shut and think about sth else)
Second.I am not being unreasonable.I know i am not.Everything said to me drives between a comparison.I hate being compared.I dun even wan to compare.Comparing only brings me more despair,and anger.I know...maybe i am sensitive like u said.But to me that is only wad i felt.If saying out how i felt wld actually wrong someone, den why wld u even bother listening to how i feel.maybe it doesnt matter how i feel? words sometimes can be stronger den actions.different words put together can wholely mean sth which u may not have meant. And the way your words are put together , i do feel a comparison. One way or the other, Sorry if i wronged u out of sth which u think u did not do.Mistake from my part and over time i will try to void myself of all this sensitivity , or void myself from any forms of feelings for that matter.
See...to most or all.I always am the devil.I will forever be the devil.I AM THE DEVIL!.it doesnt matter to me anymore...nth matters to me anymore. Despair is all i can have now. right now i will sell myself to anyone just to rid me of this feeling of despair.i will do anything to rid myself of despair! god dammit...so wad if i finally shedded a tear or two. Anyway my tears cld mean nth right now.
I really wanna give up everything...give up everything and just stay lying on the ground waiting to be stepped and ridiculed upon.I have enough of standing up from all the falls.I am tired of everything...everything...nobody cares anymore...nth matters.
I wanna stop my tears.I wanna stop my life.I wanna stop everything....plz...juz stop...i really cant hold out any longer....
Jerome
8:08 PM
